Time for some honesty

A couple of weeks ago it was Missions week at our church. The guest speaker was Randy Friesen who's the Director (I think ... I know he's really high up) of MBMSI. He was really good and it was a challenging sermon, however, at the end, there were literal doors up at the front of the sanctuary and he asked anyone who wanted to, to get up and walk through the doors as a symbol of being willing to go anywhere and do anything God asked you to do.

I didn't walk through the doors.

Not because I don't want to go anywhere or do anything God asks me to do ... let me explain. Last April I went to a different church in town one weekend and their pastor was just starting a 3 part series on being a disciple of God and what that means. The first sermon was so good that I went back for the other 2 parts. In the last sermon, he asked almost the same thing that Randy Friesen asked at our church (minus the doors) and I was sitting there wanting to put my hand up like a kid in school and yell out, "Pick me! Pick me!" I was SO eager to go and totally felt like God was going to send me somewhere and I could honestly feel that He was excited that I was willing to go. I went home that day and had a great talk with God and in the end I felt Him tell me, "I'm glad you're willing. Now be patient and wait." Do you see yet where I'm going with this?

Well, it's been over a year and I'm still here. Not that there's anything wrong with being "here." I do like it here. I've moved away a few times and always end up coming back here even though none of my immediate family live here anymore. It's not that. It's that I was SO excited and ready to go and I KNOW and have heard a million times about God's timing, so please don't go there. Logically, I KNOW that. I'm just speaking from my heart right now. I also know that there's always a missions field right where you live and work, but I haven't felt like anything has made a difference there either. When Randy Friesen had those doors up at the front of the church, in my heart I was walking through those doors, but there was that stubborn part of me that was saying to God, "You know I want to go and I'm ready, so why do I have to stand up and publicly declare it?" I didn't want to let myself get excited again, only to be told to wait.

Afterwards I went out for supper with a bunch of my wonderful girlfriends and they were great to hear me out. One of them tried to give me advice and I rudely said, "I hear what you're saying, but I'm not at that point where I want the advice. I'm just venting." I'd like to apologize to her again for being rude. I know she wasn't trying to "fix" me, but I was just in one of those moods where I didn't really want anyone to "talk back" but rather just to let me be a baby and vent. Have you ever been there? Another friend said, "At least you're being honest. God knows how you feel anyway, so it's good you didn't lie and walk through those doors just because everyone else did." That made me feel a bit better. Another friend reminded me that just because we might not see any "fruits of our labour," it doesn't mean that there's not something going on that I'm not seeing and again, I KNOW that, but somehow it just wasn't helping this feeling I was having. I was struggling, to say the least.

Anyways, why am I writing about this today? Well, I'm still kind of feeling like this. I went for a walk with a friend the other day and she asked me how I was doing with the whole single thing. I said that I definitely have my days where I feel like, "When's it going to be my turn?" but for the most part, I'm ok with it. I know that there is a possibility that I might be single for the rest of my life and I've accepted that. (side note: one of the worst things a married person can say to a single person is, "Your time will come." How do you know? Did God send you a direct word? or ... "I'm sure Prince Charming is just around the corner. It happens when you're least expecting it." I haven't been expecting anything for about 5 years now. Anyways ...) I'd rather be a happy single than a bitter one. And I'd rather be happy and single than trapped in a crappy marriage just because I wanted to get married. But then I told her that one of the hardest things about being single for me is the feeling of "I should be doing more." If I'm single, there's nothing tying me down from going overseas and being a missionary for the rest of my life. And believe me, there's a large part of me that would be ok with that ... but I'm not feeling the exact call. And I KNOW that I don't want to be outside of God's will. I would never want that. There are just too many choices. So many places to go and things to do. It really can be overwhelming. I guess it just comes to a point where you have to pick one of the million great options as long as you don't feel God closing the door, and go with it. I know I have a great job, great friends and my house sitting gigs have lasted this long for a reason, so it's not that I'm discontent here ... aahh, I don't know if I'm explaining myself. I've always had a hard time getting my thoughts out. But that's it for now.

If you made it through reading my long rant, I applaud you. :) Thanks for listening. I just needed to put that down ... kind of like laying it down before the cross and walking away. Blogging is a great venue for that.

In a couple of hours I'm off to reunite with my nieces and nephew who I haven't seen in two years, so I'll be AWOL for awhile, but I'll be sure to update you when I get back.

Peace out!