Loose ends

So, Thursday night I was having these weird sharp pains in my head throughout the evening. I didn’t have a headache, but all of a sudden I’d have this make-you-grab-your-head-and-say-Oooooouuuuch kind of pain and then it would be gone just as fast. Out of nowhere, kind of pain. I didn’t think much of it until I laid my head on my pillow and then it’s just you and your thoughts, right? Well, I don’t think I mentioned it here on my blog, but I had a friend pass away in June from a brain haemorrhage. I’m not going to get too dramatic on you here, but I did start thinking about what he went through before it happened, which then made me think about what if it happened to me during the night. Yes, it would be nice to go while I’m sleeping so I wouldn’t know what hit me, but am I ready to go?

I’ve been quite vocal about not being afraid to die, because if God’s promises about what Heaven is going to be like are true, why would I be afraid to go there? It’s going to be a MILLION times better than what I’m experiencing on earth and I’m pretty happy with life here, so WOW! I can’t even fathom what Heaven will be like. I always follow it up with, “Don’t worry. I won’t do anything to hurry along the process. Only in God’s timing,” but I got thinking about God’s timing. We don’t know when that will be as proven by my very healthy friend who passed away just months ago out of nowhere. I’m not trying to scare anyone here, but really ... we have no idea when our time will come and I realize that I don’t have kids or a spouse to leave behind so it’s different for me. I do realize that.

Anyway, back to my point. I started thinking seriously about if I were to die that night, would I be ready? Do I have any loose ends that need to be tied up ... and after wracking my brain, my answer was no. I really do feel that if there’s anyone that I feel I’ve had issues with or has had issues with me, I’ve tried my best to clear them up. I kept searching my brain and prayed for God to bring someone or something to mind that I hadn’t done, but I couldn’t come up with anything ... and that made me happy.

I mean, ok, I did think, “I’m supposed to go hang out with Jennie on Saturday and my trip to New York with my sister next fall won’t happen,” but as much as I’d love to do those things, they wouldn’t be something that I’d feel were left undone. Do you know what I mean? I thought maybe I’d just gotten sidetracked, so I started praying again and the next thought that came to my mind was, “I won’t get to see Blue Valentine. I heard Ryan Gosling did a great job in that movie.” Seriously? I have no idea why that movie came to mind when there are lots of movies that I still haven’t seen (like being able to see Bella and Edward get married - yes, I DID go there!), but I just kept thinking things like, “I guess I’d miss out on skydiving” and “Nope. Not ever gonna find out what sex is like.” (I know, I know - it’s not all it’s cracked up to be - says those who get to have it whenever they want :P )

Finally, after all those silly, fun thoughts, something did come to me. I came to the conclusion that the only thing I’ve left undone is to make sure that someone knows that at my funeral, I want God’s love to be front and center. I want my non-Christian friends to come to my funeral and leave KNOWING that God’s love is what made me a happy and content person. I don’t know why God loves us so much, but He has allowed me a brief glimpse into how much He loves me. I’ve been told that I’m a pretty confident person, but all the credit goes to God’s love. If God loves me THAT much, what else matters, really? That’s what I want to come across at my funeral. So, if you’re one of the people that might help plan such an event for me, take note! I’ve tried to live my life not changing how I talk about God to people whether they’re a Christian or not, so hopefully my non-Christian friends get it, but this would be “my” last chance, so when the time comes (obviously it wasn’t Thursday night), I’ll need your help. You in?

Do you have any loose ends that need to be tied up?