Transformation

I didn't mean to leave you hangin' for so long. Thanks to Sonya, Rachel, Lea and Jode for their kind words and to anyone else who prayed for me as well. Your prayers were felt. 2 weekends ago I went away for the weekend by myself to deal with this anger. I had an amazing time away. I started reading Walking with God by John Eldredge.

I don't know if you can read the small print at the bottom of the book, but it says, "Talk to Him. Hear from Him. Really." That's what I needed that weekend ... well, I always need it, but especially that weekend. You may say, "but you're single and live alone, so why would you need to go away for the weekend?" Because there are too many distractions at home and I know myself ... I would've allowed myself to be distracted. I hate that I have to go away to feel like I can really talk and listen to God, but that's what I needed that weekend. So, away I went.

There was another book I read the first night (which I'll tell you about in another post) and then finished in the morning, then I went for a walk and took a few pictures, which I'll throw in throughout this post.

Sometimes we feel so alone in how we're feeling. God knows and is there for us.

I picked up this book not knowing what I would find, but being open to whatever it was. I was only in the Introduction when I found myself already underlining things. He talks about Adam and Eve and the relationship they originally had with God.

"...whatever it was they were, and whatever it was they had, we also were meant to be and to have. And what they enjoyed above all the other delights of that place was this - they walked with God. They talked with Him, and He with them. For this you and I were made. And this we must recover. It is our deepest need, as human beings, to learn to live intimately with God."

This is something I want. Intimacy with God. I continued reading and reading about intimacy with God revealed to me how intimately God knows me. That didn't scare me ... it excited me! The fact that God loves me THIS MUCH (even though I'll never completely fathom how much) is overwhelmingly awesome. Even when I sin, God comes looking for me.

The Lord is with you when you are with Him. If you seek Him, He will be found by you. 2 Chron. 15:2

I'm going to write what I wrote in my journal at this point.

That's all we have to do. Seek Him. God is ALWAYS with me. That isn't a new thought to me, yet somehow I forget that "with me" doesn't mean up in the clouds whenever I need to talk. He was in the car with me on the drive up here and is sitting across the table from me now.

I sat and thought about that fact for a second. God is sitting across the table from me right now. I thought, "Ok, let's talk," and this is literally the conversation I had with God about my anger.

Me: What do I do with this anger?

God: Give it to me.

Me: But for some reason, I feel I'm entitled to this anger. You love (this person) so You'll be nice to them and they don't deserve Your love.

God: You don't deserve my love.

Me: I know, but it's so hard to grasp Your concept of "all sins are equal."

God: Let me be the judge and jury.

Me: Ok, right. That does make me feel a bit better knowing that You'll judge them.

God: That shouldn't bring you joy. You'll be judged one day, too.

Me: I just don't get how they can do this! How can they be so selfish?

God: Haven't you been discovering how selfish you are just this past week? (refer to previous posts about God revealing my selfishness to me)

Me: Wow. You're right. That's a good slap across the face. Help me to pray that all of our eyes are opened to our selfish ways and that we see how ugly that is and how that DOES NOT bring honour to Your name.

I can't say that I'm not still upset with what's going on, but I honestly don't feel the anger anymore. Luckily ... actually, no, I don't believe in luck ... by Divine appointment, I had a counselling appointment scheduled for the Monday after my weekend away. My counsellor helped me to see what this person may be going through and really opened my eyes and I actually left the counselling session with compassion for this person ... who just days before (although I'm not proud to admit it) I couldn't have cared less if I ever saw again.

That night we also had our wind up Care Group for the year. We had been given a bit of homework and when I opened it up while away for the weekend (yes, leaving my homework until the last minute), I had to laugh when I saw the question in bold at the bottom of the page. It said, What is a transformation story you have that you can share? Hmmm, let me think ... !!! Going through a bit of transformation RIGHT NOW I'd have to say. I went back to reading my book and while I'd like to type out all of pages 18 and 19 for you right now, I'll just give you a taste so you go read it for yourself. :)

We may not know exactly what God is up to in this or that event in our lives. "Why didn't I get the job?" "How come she won't return my calls?" "Why haven't my prayers healed this cancer?" I don't know. Sometimes we can get clarity, and sometimes we can't. But whatever else is going on, we can know this: God is always up to our transformation."

Transformation isn't always fun and it can be a lot of work, but if it brings me closer to God in the end, He promises it will be worth it.