It's kind of odd that my last post is about death and then I went silent. Did anyone think I'd died? haha - ok, maybe I shouldn't joke about that, but it is kind of ironic, isn't it?
Almost right after I posted that, I started going through something internally. A change, if you will. I don't think it's necessarily a bad change, but a change none the less. It's been confusing at times and scary at times. I'd like to fill you in on a bit of it, just to give you a little insight as to why I went silent. Not that I can fully explain it and hopefully you won't be more confused after I'm done, but here it goes.
I've been asking God, "What's the point to life?"
You may be thinking, "Ooooh, she's turning 40 soon. She's having a mid-life crisis!" and you wouldn't be thinking anything that I haven't already thought myself. Thing is, I'm really not scared of turning 40. I'm really not. I'm already starting to plan my celebration! Anyway, I may very well be going through a mid-life crisis, but I still need to get myself through it and come out happy on the other side. There's so much going on in my head right now that I may have to try to explain this in more than one post.
Let me just say off the top that I'm not depressed or angry at God. I completely still believe He's got a plan for my life and that it's the best plan there could be. Him and I are simply just discussing it and working through it together. I'm not one to buy into what society says is "the norm" but yet I've been thinking a lot lately about not being married and not having kids. What's been the point to my life if those things haven't happened to me? As I've started sharing these thoughts with people, I've been surprised to find out that even married people go through this and have asked this same question. To me, it feels like since they HAVE the spouse and the kids, how can they ask it, but they have their own reason for asking it, I guess. It makes me feel a little better, I guess.
I do also feel that I'm changing. Not necessarily in a bad way, though. I feel that I've become more of a homebody lately. I'm really enjoying staying home. Some of my friends have started noticing, so I've had to have the "it's not you, it's me" talk with them. Seriously! I know, it sounds like I'm breaking up with them, but I really do want them to know that it's nothing they've done. I still love my friends dearly and I don't want to jeopardize my relationships with any of them. I'm not the worrying type, but there's a small part of me that's scared that when I come out on the other side of whatever it is that I'm going through, they may not like the new me. I know what you're going to say ... "if they're true friends, they'll still be your friend after you come through this" and I get that, but do you see why I worry a little?
I think it's helped tremendously that those of you who've noticed my absence have questioned me on it. I want to publicly thank you for doing so in such a loving way that helped me open up and start a dialogue about it. I don't expect anyone to have the magic phrase/answer/do this jig 3 times and stand on your head while doing it solution that will solve the answer to my riddle, but I do enjoy hearing others opinions and takes on things. It helps me process.
Like I said, I've got a lot more to say about this, but for today, I'll leave it at this. Thank you for your patience with me.