Saturday, June 27, 2009


I didn't mean to leave you hangin' for so long. Thanks to Sonya, Rachel, Lea and Jode for their kind words and to anyone else who prayed for me as well. Your prayers were felt. 2 weekends ago I went away for the weekend by myself to deal with this anger. I had an amazing time away. I started reading Walking with God by John Eldredge.

I don't know if you can read the small print at the bottom of the book, but it says, "Talk to Him. Hear from Him. Really." That's what I needed that weekend ... well, I always need it, but especially that weekend. You may say, "but you're single and live alone, so why would you need to go away for the weekend?" Because there are too many distractions at home and I know myself ... I would've allowed myself to be distracted. I hate that I have to go away to feel like I can really talk and listen to God, but that's what I needed that weekend. So, away I went.

There was another book I read the first night (which I'll tell you about in another post) and then finished in the morning, then I went for a walk and took a few pictures, which I'll throw in throughout this post.

Sometimes we feel so alone in how we're feeling. God knows and is there for us.

I picked up this book not knowing what I would find, but being open to whatever it was. I was only in the Introduction when I found myself already underlining things. He talks about Adam and Eve and the relationship they originally had with God.

"...whatever it was they were, and whatever it was they had, we also were meant to be and to have. And what they enjoyed above all the other delights of that place was this - they walked with God. They talked with Him, and He with them. For this you and I were made. And this we must recover. It is our deepest need, as human beings, to learn to live intimately with God."

This is something I want. Intimacy with God. I continued reading and reading about intimacy with God revealed to me how intimately God knows me. That didn't scare me ... it excited me! The fact that God loves me THIS MUCH (even though I'll never completely fathom how much) is overwhelmingly awesome. Even when I sin, God comes looking for me.

The Lord is with you when you are with Him. If you seek Him, He will be found by you. 2 Chron. 15:2

I'm going to write what I wrote in my journal at this point.

That's all we have to do. Seek Him. God is ALWAYS with me. That isn't a new thought to me, yet somehow I forget that "with me" doesn't mean up in the clouds whenever I need to talk. He was in the car with me on the drive up here and is sitting across the table from me now.

I sat and thought about that fact for a second. God is sitting across the table from me right now. I thought, "Ok, let's talk," and this is literally the conversation I had with God about my anger.

Me: What do I do with this anger?

God: Give it to me.

Me: But for some reason, I feel I'm entitled to this anger. You love (this person) so You'll be nice to them and they don't deserve Your love.

God: You don't deserve my love.

Me: I know, but it's so hard to grasp Your concept of "all sins are equal."

God: Let me be the judge and jury.

Me: Ok, right. That does make me feel a bit better knowing that You'll judge them.

God: That shouldn't bring you joy. You'll be judged one day, too.

Me: I just don't get how they can do this! How can they be so selfish?

God: Haven't you been discovering how selfish you are just this past week? (refer to previous posts about God revealing my selfishness to me)

Me: Wow. You're right. That's a good slap across the face. Help me to pray that all of our eyes are opened to our selfish ways and that we see how ugly that is and how that DOES NOT bring honour to Your name.

I can't say that I'm not still upset with what's going on, but I honestly don't feel the anger anymore. Luckily ... actually, no, I don't believe in luck ... by Divine appointment, I had a counselling appointment scheduled for the Monday after my weekend away. My counsellor helped me to see what this person may be going through and really opened my eyes and I actually left the counselling session with compassion for this person ... who just days before (although I'm not proud to admit it) I couldn't have cared less if I ever saw again.

That night we also had our wind up Care Group for the year. We had been given a bit of homework and when I opened it up while away for the weekend (yes, leaving my homework until the last minute), I had to laugh when I saw the question in bold at the bottom of the page. It said, What is a transformation story you have that you can share? Hmmm, let me think ... !!! Going through a bit of transformation RIGHT NOW I'd have to say. I went back to reading my book and while I'd like to type out all of pages 18 and 19 for you right now, I'll just give you a taste so you go read it for yourself. :)

We may not know exactly what God is up to in this or that event in our lives. "Why didn't I get the job?" "How come she won't return my calls?" "Why haven't my prayers healed this cancer?" I don't know. Sometimes we can get clarity, and sometimes we can't. But whatever else is going on, we can know this: God is always up to our transformation."

Transformation isn't always fun and it can be a lot of work, but if it brings me closer to God in the end, He promises it will be worth it.

Monday, June 08, 2009

Opinions, please.

Well, there's a first time for everything and yesterday at church, I had a first. I was listening to our Pastor speak about how we are meant to be a community and that we were saved to be part of a group. We should be "other" oriented. This resonated with me because as I briefly mentioned in my last post, just this past week, God has been showing me my selfish tendencies. I was chuckling to myself (not out loud because the person next to me might've thought I was a little off my rocker) that this point was being driven home to me yet again. I was telling God, "Yes, I get it," but not in a cocky way. I really do want to learn and change my ways. I did mess up this week and just had to say, "Doh!" after I realized that I had asked God to show me ways to be less selfish this week and I missed the mark big time. Luckily God is gracious and I can learn from that. When we run contrary to our design, dysfunction happens and I felt that as soon as I realized how I'd missed out on being selfless.

So, we know that's not a first for me. Being selfish is one sin I'm unfortunately, too familiar with ... but working on to rectify. What was a first was at the end of the sermon it was time to take communion. He went through the "instructions" about how if you're not a Christian you may just want to let the bread and cup pass you by and how if you have an issue with a "brother" you may also want to do the same until you make it right. All of a sudden I was confused. I'm dealing with anger right now towards someone who hasn't done anything directly to me, but to someone I'm close to. Is that enough to make me let the communion pass me by? It's not like I can go and make it right with this person because, like I said, they haven't done anything directly to me and therefore, if I went to them, they may tell me to butt out. But the anger I have in my heart isn't right and I know that. Do I hold off on communion until I've dealt with this anger? I didn't know what to do. I've never had this feeling before. Since I was unsure, I left during communion and decided to not take it. This was a first for me. Something I really do not want to repeat. I hated not taking communion and feeling that special bond with God. It left a hole in my heart, but not enough to drive out the anger yet.

Anyone have any good advice for me? I'm all ears.

Monday, June 01, 2009


This weekend I have had 2 major inspirations. One is by a girl I went to High School with who is dying of cancer. Her name is Rachel Barkey and I'm sure a lot of you know her. This video of her speaking is from March 2009 and she was only given a few months to live. If you have an hour to listen, I really encourage you to do so.

She has encouraged me to not be so selfish and to remember my purpose. I have been put on this earth to please God. I'm going to seek ways to do that this week.

The other thing that inspired me this weekend was a movie called Running the Sahara. Here's the preview for the movie.

This movie is about 3 guys who run across the Sahara desert. For me, this was not an inspiration about running (although I do want to go for a run tonight). It was more an inspiration that if you truly set your mind to something, you can do it. It has also inspired me to go to Africa. I've always wanted to go, but I'm really going to try to make that happen. In what capacity will I go? I don't know yet. I just hope to get there.

This weekend I got to meet Ray Zahab, one of the guys who ran across the Sahara. He is an awesome guy. 8 years ago he was a pack a day smoker and says he "kept Guinness in business." One New Year's Eve, he and his brother said they needed to start a new life and he took it to the extreme. He's only been running for 5 years (at the time he ran the Sahara he'd only been running for 2 1/2 years) and has also run across the Antarctic and has many races planned to education kids about other cultures and the water crisis around the world. If you see this movie somewhere or want to buy it online, I encourage you to do so.