Pray

I had iTunes on shuffle tonight and this song by Kendall Payne came on and I thought of you all. It may sound like a backhanded prayer, but it's actually quite great. And if you hear her sing it, it sounds like a benediction. It's really beautiful. Here's my prayer for all of you and I'd ask that you would say these prayers for me:

I will pray for you now
For you have been my faithful friends
While the road we walk is difficult indeed
I could not ask for more
Than what you've already been
Only that you would say these prayers for me

May your heart break enough
That compassion enters in
May your strength all be spent upon the weak
All the castles and crowns you build
And place upon your head
May they all fall, come crashing down
Around your feet

May you find every step
To be harder than the last
So you character grows
Greater each stride
May your company be
Of humble insignificance
May your weakness be your
only source of pride

What you do unto others
May it all be done to you
May you meet the One who made us
And see Him smile when life is through
May your blessings be many
But not what you'd hope they'd be
When you look upon the broken
May mercy show you
What you could not see

May you never be sure
Of any plan you desire
But you'd learn to truth the plan
He has for you
May your passions be tried and
Tested in the holy fire
May you fight with all your life
For what is true

I have prayed for you now
All of my dear and faithful friends
But what I wish is more
Than I could ever speak
As the way wanders on
I'll long to see you once again
Until then, would you say
These prayers for me?
Oh that you would pray for me

Loose ends

So, Thursday night I was having these weird sharp pains in my head throughout the evening. I didn’t have a headache, but all of a sudden I’d have this make-you-grab-your-head-and-say-Oooooouuuuch kind of pain and then it would be gone just as fast. Out of nowhere, kind of pain. I didn’t think much of it until I laid my head on my pillow and then it’s just you and your thoughts, right? Well, I don’t think I mentioned it here on my blog, but I had a friend pass away in June from a brain haemorrhage. I’m not going to get too dramatic on you here, but I did start thinking about what he went through before it happened, which then made me think about what if it happened to me during the night. Yes, it would be nice to go while I’m sleeping so I wouldn’t know what hit me, but am I ready to go?

I’ve been quite vocal about not being afraid to die, because if God’s promises about what Heaven is going to be like are true, why would I be afraid to go there? It’s going to be a MILLION times better than what I’m experiencing on earth and I’m pretty happy with life here, so WOW! I can’t even fathom what Heaven will be like. I always follow it up with, “Don’t worry. I won’t do anything to hurry along the process. Only in God’s timing,” but I got thinking about God’s timing. We don’t know when that will be as proven by my very healthy friend who passed away just months ago out of nowhere. I’m not trying to scare anyone here, but really ... we have no idea when our time will come and I realize that I don’t have kids or a spouse to leave behind so it’s different for me. I do realize that.

Anyway, back to my point. I started thinking seriously about if I were to die that night, would I be ready? Do I have any loose ends that need to be tied up ... and after wracking my brain, my answer was no. I really do feel that if there’s anyone that I feel I’ve had issues with or has had issues with me, I’ve tried my best to clear them up. I kept searching my brain and prayed for God to bring someone or something to mind that I hadn’t done, but I couldn’t come up with anything ... and that made me happy.

I mean, ok, I did think, “I’m supposed to go hang out with Jennie on Saturday and my trip to New York with my sister next fall won’t happen,” but as much as I’d love to do those things, they wouldn’t be something that I’d feel were left undone. Do you know what I mean? I thought maybe I’d just gotten sidetracked, so I started praying again and the next thought that came to my mind was, “I won’t get to see Blue Valentine. I heard Ryan Gosling did a great job in that movie.” Seriously? I have no idea why that movie came to mind when there are lots of movies that I still haven’t seen (like being able to see Bella and Edward get married - yes, I DID go there!), but I just kept thinking things like, “I guess I’d miss out on skydiving” and “Nope. Not ever gonna find out what sex is like.” (I know, I know - it’s not all it’s cracked up to be - says those who get to have it whenever they want :P )

Finally, after all those silly, fun thoughts, something did come to me. I came to the conclusion that the only thing I’ve left undone is to make sure that someone knows that at my funeral, I want God’s love to be front and center. I want my non-Christian friends to come to my funeral and leave KNOWING that God’s love is what made me a happy and content person. I don’t know why God loves us so much, but He has allowed me a brief glimpse into how much He loves me. I’ve been told that I’m a pretty confident person, but all the credit goes to God’s love. If God loves me THAT much, what else matters, really? That’s what I want to come across at my funeral. So, if you’re one of the people that might help plan such an event for me, take note! I’ve tried to live my life not changing how I talk about God to people whether they’re a Christian or not, so hopefully my non-Christian friends get it, but this would be “my” last chance, so when the time comes (obviously it wasn’t Thursday night), I’ll need your help. You in?

Do you have any loose ends that need to be tied up?

Opinions, please!!!

Ladies, do you think I could pull off a cut like one of these? Be HONEST!!! I really won't be offeneded if you say that you don't think I can. And don't just say YES because you want to see SOMEONE ELSE get the cut! Only say YES if you think it will look half decent on me ... ok, a little more than half decent. Maybe 3/4 decent???

I don't know if I've mentioned it or not, but when I was in Malaysia, I got my hair professionally straightened. Pretty much the reverse perm. It's been great in that I don't have huge fly away hair, but it's done a lot of damage to my hair ... well, to the parts that were colored. I thought to get my hair somewhat healthy again, I'd chop it and since my hair is straighted right now, it might be the best time to do it since it won't be huge and short, causing a mushroom head or helmet head as I like to call them ... but I don't know if I should go as short as the pics above or should I stick with something more like one of these: Remember, honesty is GREATLY appreciated. Oh, and I have no desire to go pixie short, so don't even go there. :P Thanks!

Update: My hairdresser doesn't think I can do it because my hair is so thick and it'll look like a "mushroom." She used the word I used that I DON'T want to look like. Hmmm, I'm thinking the short short will be a no.

New date!

No, silly ... not THAT kind of date! :P

Well, she finally called me back and my new surgery date is September 28. Thanks to everyone who prayed for me last time. If I can be so bold as to ask for prayers again, can I be specific and ask that you pray that it actually happens this time? :)

Thanks!

Well, that didn't turn out how I thought it would!

So, thanks for all your prayers, but apparently we were praying for the wrong thing. Next time, we pray that the surgery actually HAPPENS! Ugh. Here's the long, drawn out story.

I was told that my arrival time was 10:45. Like a good little girl, I got there at 10:30. Jennie and Nathanael were very punctual picking me up and were allowed to come to the back with me. After I had changed into this lovely outfit, I'd barely walked around the corner and this lady says to me, "Come with me!" I already had my camera in hand because of course I wanted Jennie to take a picture of me in my new get up, but the lady was already walking away. I kinda turned around and said, "One second," and handed Jennie my camera and stood there real quick like. Jennie's like, "Are you coming back?" but I just looked at her like, "I don't know!" You can see the lady turning into that first door behind me, but I didn't know where that led, so we weren't sure what was going on. Little did I know, things don't happen THAT fast around there.

I turned and ran to catch up to her and as I walk into the room she says, "Yeah, you'll be going back." But now I'm already in the room sitting down so I can't jump back out and let Jennie know. I wonder if she was sitting there thinking, "Will I see her again or was that it?" I forgot to ask her that. The nurse takes my blood pressure and asks me a bunch of questions, then tells me that she'll take me outside and start my IV and then the doctor and the anesthesiologist will come and talk to me. Never in that 5 minutes with her did she tell me WHEN all of this would take place. Silly me thought that if I was supposed to be there at 10:45, then surely my surgery would be within half an hour. Did I mention that I've never had surgery before? Yeah, silly me.


I don't know if you can see it in the picture above, but they ask you to take out all of your jewellery. Well, I've got a couple of pieces that I can't get out. I thought they'd take wire cutters to them, but they just made me put tape over them (ie, my nose in the picture above).

Time for the IV! Since I've started having a lot of blood work taken to find out what's been going on with me, I've realized that I'm not scared of needles. It didn't hurt at all. It felt weird once she had it in and taped to me because I could feel it move if I moved my hand at all, but it didn't hurt.

My trusty companions all day. They were such troopers. Thank you SOOOOOOO much Jennie and Nathanael for being there for me. Here were all still smiles because ...

It was still only half an hour into our day!

Here I am all ready to go!

And again, still smiling ...

Bren stopped by for a visit before noon and brought me 3 magazines. Thanks, Bren!

After Bren left, it started to feel like we'd been waiting a reeeeeeeeeeaaaaalllllly long time. I stopped one of the nurses who was setting up IV stands next to me and said, "Do you know if my doctor's behind and if so, how far behind?" She said that he was about an hour behind, to which I asked, "Do you know when my surgery was supposed to be?" She asked what time I was told to be here and when I told her, she said, "Your usually asked to be here 2 hours before your surgery." WHAT? That would've been nice to know. I had no idea that I'd be waiting AT LEAST 2 hours. Again, have I mentioned I'd never had surgery before? At least now I knew I'd be waiting 3 hours, since the doc was an hour behind.

The TV was on in the waiting area right next to us, so I kinda strained my next to see what was on. First, it was something like a World Vision program. Dying, starving kids. It was really quite sad ... but maybe they were trying to make us feel better since we weren't allowed to have eaten anything since midnight so we wouldn't be complainers. Point taken.

The next time I looked up at the TV, there was a silent movie on. Yeah, you read that right, a SILENT MOVIE! Did you even know they aired those things anymore? I sure didn't. There was someone in the waiting room and one of the nurses standing up close to the TV watching it ... looking super into it! That made me laugh. I watched and made fun for awhile because their expressions were priceless and then the words would come on the screen, "I am the master here. You will do what I say!" Oh my. Then they showed this guy who looked like a cave man and the word "Idiot" kept being played over top of his face. "Idiot. Idiot. Idiot." I turned to Jennie and said, "What kind of a movie IS this?" But by now I was hooked and it was something to pass the time, so I kept watching. Then Idiot started chasing the rich looking girl around the house and she would stop every once in awhile and scream. I didn't think this was going to end well, but finally the cavalry came and saved her, but when they asked her what they should do with Idiot, she said, "He's innocent. Let him go." WHAT? True, I'd only started watching 3/4 of the way though the movie, so I didn't see the relationship develop between these two, but that was odd. That movie ended with him being extremely grateful to her and her saying, "You'll always have a place with us, Igor." Oh yeah, his name was Igor, not Idiot.

A 2nd silent movie started but the nurse, instead of changing the channel, turned the TV off! What??? It was SUPER quiet in there after that and Jennie and I were starting to get a little weary by this time ... well, I know I was. Then one of the nurses comes into our area and says, "Is anyone here a really big Stanley Cup fan?" We just looked at her like, "What? Why do you ask that?" She says, "The Stanley Cup is here and if you go to the end of the hall, you can look down to the lobby and see it." Knowing that Jennie is a HUGE hockey fan, I told her, "GO! You have to see it!" She grabbed Nathanael and off they went. I sat there for about a minute and then thought, "Nuts! I've been waiting now for about 3 hours. If they come out while I'm gone, THEY can wait a minute or two while I go take a look at the Stanley Cup," so up I got in my cute little gown and trotted down the hallway pushing my IV and this is what I saw:

It was pretty cool, actually! I'm so glad that Jennie could experience it, too. How random was that? I hadn't heard that it was going to be in Abbotsford (apparently one of the coaches on the Boston Bruins is from Abbotsford). Jennie said she'd read that it was going to be in Abbotsford, but couldn't remember where it was going to be. A case of being at the right place at the right time? I don't think so. I think God knew we'd need a little pick me up that day.

After this momentary excitement, we went back to our previous positions (see picture number 7) and continued on with our waiting. A nurse had come out and talked to me about pre surgical stuff and asked me a bunch of questions, so in my mind, it was a go.

At about 2:15, the same nurse that asked if we were Stanley Cup fans, asks me, "Are you going in anytime soon?" With a quizzical look on my face I said to her, "I thought you'd be the one who could tell ME that!" She said, "It can't be too much longer now. The nurse already came out to talk to you, so it must be your turn soon." I said, "As long as I don't get bumped, I'll be happy." Both her and the other nurse were completely quiet for about 5 seconds after I said that (which seemed like forever) and then they were like, "No, I'm sure you'll go in anytime now."

Well, about 15 minutes later, Jennie says to me, "I don't have a good feeling about this." All morning as Jennie was nervous and said she's been cleaning her house like mad, her feelings didn't transfer to me. I was totally calm. I thought maybe when I got to the hospital I'd get more nervous. Nope. Maybe when they put the IV in I'd get more nervous. Nope. But when Jennie said, "I don't have a good feeling about this," I believed her. I started to get that sinking feeling. We'd already seen one person get bumped today (he was quite the character as well, but I won't go into those details), so who's to say it wouldn't happen again. Then, we see a nurse come from behind "the" doors, she grabs my chart, Jennie and I are thinking, "This is it!" she walks over to the Stanley Cup nurse (yes, that's her name) and I see the nurse's hands fly up to her face in an "OH NO!" pose. Jennie and I just looked at each other and said, "Oh crap."

Yup. You guessed it. I got bumped. The nurses were all SUPER apologetic. They explained to me that the doctor had had a very serious cancer case in the morning that had gone longer than expected and then the gallbladder right before mine had taken longer than expected as well and they were going to have to reschedule me. I KNOW that cancer trumps gallbladder so I wasn't upset about that and I tried to be gracious ... especially because it was NONE of their faults, so I pretty much stood up and asked for the IV to be taken out right away so I could go get myself something to eat. I was STARVING!!! Ok, not World Vision child starving, but you know when you can't have it, you want it even more? Yeah, that feeling (and since the cute doctor who'd come out with a sandwich earlier in the day had decided to torture me by waving his sandwich around in front of me hadn't shared with me, I was really thinking about some food at this point).

I'm not sure which thought went through my head first: food or "I have to go to work tomorrow!" but they were pretty close to each other. I think I was more disappointed because I'd already had my date changed once so technically, this was my 2nd bump and rearranging things at work is kind of a pain. I'd gotten myself all psyched up for 2 weeks off work and now ... back to work. And I LIKE my job and my supervisor!

Anyway, Jennie and I went and grabbed some food (the new Thai Chicken burger at McD's is quite good, btw - no, I wasn't TRYING to bring on an attack so I'd end up in emerg and they'd HAVE to do the surgery like my Mom thought) and then I made the phone call to the doctor's office to reschedule. The girl in the office sounded quite flustered when I called so I asked her if she wanted to call me back. She said "yes" and that it would most likely be tomorrow. Well, it's now Sunday and I still don't have my new date. She did inform me that the doctor was going on holidays, so it wouldn't be until September sometime. Of course it won't.

Again, thanks for all your prayers. I know I'm extremely blessed to have you all praying for me and that I haven't had an attack since May. I don't know if I would've been able to handle the disappointment if I'd still been continuously having attacks and NEEDED it out NOW!

I'll keep you all informed when I hear any news. Thanks again!

Surgery day!

Today I get that darned gallbladder taken out. I've washed with the antiseptic soap (twice - once last night and once this morning ... they must think I'm awfully dirty!) and now I'm all itchy, but I'm not allowed to put any lotion on.

I haven't had an attack since May 17, so I'm not sure what's going on ... have my gallstones disappeared ... did I pass them? What? Strange.

I've taken a picture of my stomach without any scars. Yes, I've been told that the scars will be very small, but I've never had surgery or any major scars before so this is all new to me.

I had a dream last night that I was in the OR (that's operating room for those of you who don't know ... I learned that when I watched ER - that's a TV show short for Emergency Room ;P ), lying on my side and that they were operating through my back. I could hear everything they were saying and could feel some tugging, but no pain. When I woke up, I started thinking about that movie Awake where the guy (Hayden Christensen) is awake during surgery but paralyzed by the anesthetic so he can't tell them that he's feeling everything they're doing. Ok, not the best thought before going under. I'm sure that won't happen to me, right???

Gotta go pack a bag in case the surgery doesn't go well laparoscipically and they have to open me up. If that happens, I'll be in the hospital for a few nights, but it's very rare, so I'm sure I'll be home later this afternoon and tomorrow I can let you all know how I'm doing.

Thanks for your prayers!