Modern Family quotes

This is one of my new favorite shows this year. Here are a few quotes that made me howl (although half of the fun is how the actors deliver the lines).

Phil: I'm a cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL means laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face

Cameron: I got all medieval on the florists.
Mitchell: Cam, I heard you on the phone, you said you were displeased, but that's hardly going medieval.
Cameron: Excuse me, I said very displeased and I used my cowboy voice.

Phil: Cheerleading in my college was cool. The football players were so jealous they wouldn't even let me and my buddies, Trevor, Scotty and Ling go to their parties.

Gloria: Every culture has their own traditions. For example, in our culture, the Baby Jesus is the one that brings the presents, not the Santa Claus.
Jay: That doesn't make sense. How could a new born baby carry all those presents? They don't even know where their hands are.
Manny: At least a baby could fit through a chimney.
Jay: How could you sit on the Baby Jesus' lap? You'd squish him.

Phil: We raised our kids right. One of them will come forward, or the other two will rat them out.

Manny: In Colombia, they open presents at midnight and stay up til morning.
Jay: I'm sure they do, but if you notice from the absence of goats in the streets, we're not in Colombia.

Gloria: We can't get Luke a crossbow, he pokes himself in the eye every time he uses a straw.

Claire: Getting everybody out of the house in the morning can be really tough. Especially the first day of school.
Phil: From the moment we get up at seven until we drop them off at school it is: go go go.
Claire: I get up at six.
Phil [mocking]: I get up at five.
Claire: Seriously, I get up at six.
Phil: That's you? I thought we had a raccoon

Gloria: Jay, I'm home. Did Manny call?
Jay: No, because he's fine. It was a slumber party, not a gang fight.

Haley: Okay, mom just doesn't trust me and it's not fair.
Phil: She trusts you, it's just the weird stuff that happens at concerts. Boys get urges.
Haley: Eww! Dad! Is there something you want?
Phil: Yes, there is., to connect with this girl right here. Now come on, pretend I'm not your dad. We're just a couple of friends kickin' it in a juice bar.
Haley: What's a juice bar?
Phil: Okay a malt shop, whatever.
Haley: Dad, I don't...
Phil: No, who's dad, who's dad? I'm Marcus, from Biology. Hey Haley! How's it going with you and Dylan? Does he try anything inappropriate with you, girl?
Haley [answering her phone]: Hey. I don't know, nothing, just talking to some dork I met in a malt shop

Cameron: There's a fish in nature that swims around with its babies in its mouth. That fish would look at Mitchell's relationship with his mother and say, "That's messed up."

Cameron: I'm sort of like Costco. I'm big, I'm not fancy and I dare you to not like me.

Seriously, if you're in need of a laugh, you've gotta watch this show. HIL-ARIOUS!