Sunday, January 18, 2009

Wake up call

In the wee hours of this morning I received an email about an incident involving someone very close to me and it reminded me of our mortality ... and it's been very sobering. I haven't been able to reach this person yet so I have to be vague in processing my thoughts.

First of all, thank you to Karen for running in silence with me this morning for most of our run. Usually I am a very verbal processor, however, almost every time I tried to speak the tears started flowing, therefore, writing out my thoughts will be better for me today.

I don't want people close to me to die. Simple as that. Ever. Now, the practical side of me knows that's not very realistic but the irrational side of me wants to throw a tantrum and say, "It's not fair! It's not fair!" I have been having quite the conversation in my head the last few hours. After I finished reading the email I had a good cry, then started praying. I started off praying that this person would be all right, of course. They'd go to the doctor and find that it was just a random incident but there's no long term damage. But then I would pray that of course God's will would be done and that I know He would help us get through anything that is within His plan. I went from bargaining with God - "if you let this person live many, many more years, I don't care if I ever get married. I'll give that up if you do this for me" to being angry at God - "why do I have to be alone when I'm going through something like this? I want someone here to comfort me right now." Then I went from wanting to crawl up in a ball and read all the books I got for Christmas so I can escape and not think about this, to wanting to call everyone I love and tell them how much they mean to me.

In the end, I know that God is in control. Plain and simple. I can't live in a hole and never love anyone so that I won't get hurt. The gift of love that God has given us is amazing. It would be very hard to make it through life without love. My prayer would be that all involved in this incident (and all of you reading as well) wouldn't take people for granted, but that we would love each other to the fullest every day. Make wrongs, right. Let things go. Don't hold grudges. Even if someone has wronged you and has never asked for forgiveness ... move on and be happy. Holding a grudge only hurts yourself. The other person rarely even knows you're holding it. Plus, if you really do love this person, what if they died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how much you love them. Ok, I'm going off on a bit of a tangent now, but I'm processing my thoughts and they are running the gamut right now and this is my way of dealing with them. :)

On my drive home from my run with Karen, Geoff Moore's version of This is My Father's World came on. This verse rings very true today.

This is my Father’s world.
O let me ne’er forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong,
God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father’s world:
why should my heart be sad?
The Lord is King; let the heavens ring!
God reigns; let the earth be glad!

If you are in my family or are my friend, please know that I care a lot about you and am happy God has brought you into my life. I'm off to make some phone calls now.


Anonymous said...

Lots of love and prayers for you and your someone very close to you.

Unknown said...

I'll definitely be praying for you and your special person.

Anonymous said...

Love you lots friend.

Kori's House said...

I wish I would have logged in sooner. Will pray for you now.
Your friends and family are Blessed to have you in their lives!!

Dickie Chick said...

My prayers are with you Fiona.

Anonymous said...

Hey Fion, your love and heart and concern is beautiful. I pray you find Father God's peace and cry out to him for your comfort...We love you right back sister. I hope we can hang out as much as possible this summer. Jodi

Jennie said...

I love you!!

Theresa said...

Hi there! I was hoping to send you an email rather than ramble here but I couldn't find one so...

I've peeked into your blog once in a while through Jennie's and remember a big trip you took to Thailand. If you don't mind sharing a bit of knowledge I would really appreciate any "stay here" or "don't go there" advise you may have. You can email me at I'm taking my family there in March and we are looking for a place to stay on the beach (for us and our missionary friends who live in North Thailand).

On a side note I"m pretty sure we played together in elementary school at Simpson! Small world! Feel free to check with Jennie if I am for real or not :)